Friday, March 30, 2012

So Indecisive... And Fearful...

I just sent this email to my support team - my besties. It's self explanatory. I wasn't going to do something, I didn't thing I could. Oh but how I will!

Mo, J, Kris, and Bex

I had to have a very honest conversation with myself today. (As a result, I'm beginning to think that I do have quite the flare for the dramatic...). And here's what I got.

I have been debating this German issue in my brain since I thought to myself, "hey, maybe you don't even have to go at all."

Oh, but I do.

Let's be honest, I'm scared out of my mind, I haven't put in the work to have maintained the limited level I acquired TWO YEARS ago... but I sat down and asked myself what this nonsense-icalness is all about and here's what I got.

Where are you now? Have you accomplished your goals or made progress towards them to date? I successfully live alone, I keep getting "promoted" at work (whatever that really means), I feel fulfilled at work and here in New Jersey. Of course there are things I could be doing better - diet, exercise - but overall, I'd like to think I'm riding high and doing well, especially having made it through Christmas and February. And where I'm at in life, kissing 28 years old, is so wondrously gloriously divinely (Holler Jesus!) awesome, I have nothing but thanks. And in that gratitude, where can I go from here? What do I want in the big picture?

And whenever I ask that I just hear Belle singing "I want adventure in the great wide, somewhere. I want it more than I can tell."

As fun as the training center is, I know that means (that the above means) I need more. I'm longing, thirsting, for more. Sure, there are big kid career opportunities that would be fun to pursue when its time to be a real big kid, to be serious and for reals-eys. But those moving up the ladder jobs aren't going anywhere. I perform, I'm good, I enjoy it and for now, I'm satisfied at work.

There was a girl on International House Hunters, Paris. She loved all things Parisian, and just had to live there and be a part of their society. I know that feeling.

J was assigned Stuttgart today. And the overwhelming jealousy that ensued, that 'I want to go to Germany too' was a bit more bitter tasting than I'd like to admit.

SO ALYSSA, GO TO GERMANY. Silly girl. Go. Follow your heart.

And yes, I'd like to own a condo by the time I'm 30. Of course I'd like a fur coat and to get married someday, and own a fine piece of German automotive engineering... but that's for later. Maybe even a puppy (then again, maybe not... we all know I don't believe in vacuuming). BUT - This is the now. This is the time to be wild and 27 and responsibly irresponsible.

I'm going for the gold, chief. Why was I trying to put off this trip (I was thinking about Sept/Oct instead)? Because I won't be able to move on and date until this is over and done. Because I was mad I had to come back for the weekend to teach. That one silly weekend. I can get back and forth quite easily on the trains and planes. I'M ALSO A FLIGHT ATTENDANT. You can even climb the Inca Trail when you want to and have the desire and passion.

For all these reasons, this is why being single is pretty awesome. This is what's in my heart, and I would be denying myself if I didn't go and at least try. Learning German is not easy, but it is something that I am capable of doing, that I long to do and a goal I can accomplish. Over time. I have it, time that is, in my favor and I'm going for it.

I love how crazy I get about making these big decisions, and I can't believe I almost didn't go. I have no idea how I'm going to tell J. I'll probably be sneaky and forward this to her as well. Kristy didn't even know that I was considering not going. She's going to hit the floor when she finds out.

Above all, I just want to say thank you. I have been given nothing but love and support from the four of you, for my ridiculous shenanigans, back and forth, to-ing and fro-ing. May I always do the same for you.

Love Always,


1 comment:

Christine Falk Dalessio said...

Sounds like a great plan - go for it!
(I did keep thinking of augustine, though "our souls are restless until they rest in You."...)