As Seen On MyFace...

My friend Jason has recently left the ranks of international to join those crazy domestic kiddies. He got a West Palm Beach turn today as announced on the social networking website MyFace. West Palm is the most dreaded of turns. And here's what we all had to say about it, and by what we had to say I totally mean the wack-a-doodle things crazy customers have said to us on this most feared of turns:

Jason: "Oy, Morty, ask him for the can. I gotta take a pill..."

Carl: "young man, do you have any mayo ? This turkey sandwich is a little dry..."

Natalie: "MORTY TAKE THE CAN YOUR ENTITLED TO IT!!! Its included in the price of the ticket!"

Yours Truly: "My son David paid for these tickets you know. He's studying to be a doctor. Are you single? Saul, give him David's number. I think gotta pen in my pocketbook."

Charlie: "This leg room is ridiculous... its not like this on JetBlue"

David: *you to the agent after opening the door*... "Yes, 20 wheelchairs and 3 aislechairs please"

You Jealous...

Instead of that stinking Heathrow, I ended up working aisle to Madrid. Holler.

Since then, I have sat for days. This will be the third consecutive day of being on call and not getting called. In fact, I'm no where near being called. The worst that can happen to me now is that I get a three day beginning tomorrow or get some airport alert. I'd like to thank who ever it is that's responsible for the recession; now all the senior mamas are flying their tales off, leaving NO TRIPS for reserves. On a good night, maybe two reserves will go out. So what have I been doing since then? I cleaned my room, the bathroom, I crocheted a blanket, read a few books, saw Madagascar 2 ("don't let him on the plane... he has scissors and hand cream!"), Twilight twice... got hit on by a "brother" riding dirty in his pimped out Neon in the employee parking lot, right before my alternator decided that it was done working. I TOURED A CRANBERRY BOG FARM! I know, its just too much excitement for one person. I have this coming weekend off, and Lord only knows what adventures that will bring...

I Hate Lineholders

Yesterday, I picked up LHR. My position had been in open time since the beginning of trip trade - it was b zone aisle. Clearly I should have picked something in the back because I got bumped by some senior mama. When scheduling called, I asked them if everyone got bumped and she said yes, that it was the norm at this time of year; no one else from my pairing got bumped. Mentirosa! I'm so sad not to be going to work tonight. I haven't flown since I non-reved over two weeks ago. And while for a brief moment in time, I did miss domestic I know that things in that base aren't any better in terms of trips and flying. I hope I get reassigned to something totally and awesomely bangarang.


I see some airport alert in my future. Dammit...

Is There A Doctor In The Twp?

There's something seriously wrong with me.

I miss domestic.


More like I miss airplanes; I haven't seen the inside of one in over two weeks.

Weekend Update

1. I got the iPhone. I investigated the new Storm, not nearly as cool.

2. I have found Fictitious; his name is Edward Cullen.

3. drinking + texting = so not a good idea

4. When I do shots, my pinkie waves at full mast as if it were high tea with the queen. Awesome. Oh, and I love Jager.

5. Not a single trip has gone out with a reserve in days, which makes me feel pretty good about only having 45 hours for the month. That's probably as much as you worked last week.

Embarassing PJs and Snow

Last Christmas I was given a pair of women's flannel pj's and though cute in the privacy of my own bedroom, it would be terribly embarrassing to be seen out in the world wearing them. Last night I wasn't feeling too swell and decided that aforementioned pjs would do just the trick to make me feel better. I'm glad I decided on them because when I pulled the curtains and blinds to let the light in, I was greeted with a winter wonderland. Snow had covered the bare trees, coated the tree house, the flakes were falling down so serenely. I'm not always a fan of Jersey, but mornings like today sure as hell make it worth while.

According to Hurricane Schwartz, this winter is going to be a rough one. Santa, I think need another pair.

Reserve Does Suck!

Last weekend I had a date with a true Big Kid; he came complete with automobile, mortgage, and even a suit for those fancy occasions. I couldn't help but reflect on my current situation. I can barely afford to drive (I did pay $1.82 for gas today, and that's not even the cheapest in South Jersey), I live at home, but more importantly, I'm on reserve. Reserve is something that I've been struggling with since I got the job; everyone keeps telling me that it gets better and your life will completely change once you get a line. Though we are hiring next year, its not going to up my seniority that much to make me a permanent line holder, which is my current goal in life. I feel like dating is impossible on reserve and complicates things that are already complicated to begin with (I'd like to extend a big thank you to the super sluts who put out on the first date, are non-discriminatory serial daters, who have single-handedly destroyed any modicum of decency, morality, romance, and chivalry that used to be known as courting... way to lower those standards!). What I'm getting at is that I've decided to learn a language. Not only will learning a new language fulfill this burning desire to exercise my brain, but its the express train to the magical land of holding a line! Moreover, I can date boys who speak said language and drink the local brews, and we all know how I feel about boys and beer... yum!

Buying Bread From a Man in Brussels

I went on call Friday; having failed to successfully pick anything up, I was assigned Brussels on Saturday. I was feeling rather shitty all week, but took a crap ton of airborne, vitamin C and "non-aspirin" (thank you AS!) and kept on trucking. I was senior opted out of my position, so I had to work BusinessFirst aisle instead of partying in economy, which I haven't done since August. I like the Brussels trip because you get in so early, and was asleep by 9. I was rudely awoken around two by the maid service outside my door. At this point it dawned on me that I could only see out of one eye and that the other was all crusted over - pink eye! This is the second time that I've woken up on a layover with pink eye like symptoms. I spent the rest of my day lounging, I went to the gym for the first time since I was domestic. I didn't make it to my favorite kebab place - the Sultan of Kebab across the street. I figured it would be healthier to have my ham sandwich, and I couldn't bear the thought of having to go outside. I caught another hour of Ewan McGregor's Long Way Down on BBC1 which is almost as exciting as Holly Oaks. I finally fell asleep at midnight and woke up promptly at three am. I tossed and turned for the rest of the night and just as I was beginning to get my body's natural shot of melatonin, it was time for the wake up call. Got ready, went downstairs for chocolate croissants, and found out that our aircraft was being downgraded - meaning two of us were going to have to deadhead home! We get on the wee plane, and the ISM makes it all the way to the second most junior person on the trip - and he choses to deadhead! I told him it was his right as he was senior to me, but I was sad. I wanted to sleep for another 8 hours and not feel like ass crap anymore. Instead, I get to sit at home for the next two days on ready reserve trying to fight this hacking cough and now double pink eye. Heaven forbid I get pink eye and not somehow manage to get it in the other eye too... but hey! It could always be worse - and what goes around comes around bitches!

Lord, I Was Born a Traveling Man

I spend a lot of time listening to music on my commute to and from the airport, which is roughly an hour and half. On my way home from my last trip (Oslo! it was amazing, I must go back), I was listening to one of my all time favorite albums and it finally dawned on me why I loved it so much. The album, entitled Something To Write Home About by The Get Up Kids, is all about leaving. Leaving is my favorite thing to do, especially when you get to come back. Its exciting to leave your house and go to Europe for the weekend or fly across the country for a date; there's also a certain excitement in returning home. The greatest songs, love or otherwise, are all about it: the glorious adventures and dreams of leaving and sorrows and desires of having to leave or wishing to be home.

"Everyplace around the world... we're coming to America!"
Neil Diamond

"Hold me like you'll never let me go, cause I'm leaving on a jet plane"
John Denver

"If I leave here tomorrow, would you still remember me?"
Lynard Skynard

"Big old jet airliner don't carry me too far away cause its here that I got to stay"
Steve Miller Band

"Come tomorrow I'll be on my way back home"
Get Up Kids

"She says Idaho is calling you home"
The New Amsterdams

"The hardest part has yet to come, when you will cross the country alone"
Death Cab For Cutie

"You can forget all your troubles forget all your cares and go downtown"
Petula Clark

"Come fly with me, lets fly lets fly away"
Frank Sinatra

"Please come to Boston for the springtime"
Dave Loggins (this one totally came from Mom... its circa 1974)

"Another aeroplane, another sunny place, I'm lucky I know, but I wanna go home"
Michael Buble

Miss Liberal? No, Miss I Have Job Security...

I voted for President Elect Obama for a multitude of reasons; the most important to me was job security. I found this article on the USA Today aviation blog discussing the impending Obama presidency on my industry. So what does Obama mean for those who fly?:

That's the question tackled by Bloomberg News, which writes the election of Barack Obama could mean higher labor costs, less overseas outsourcing, no changes to foreign-ownership laws and fewer route auctions.

Analysts and union officials suspect the Obama administration could act on a variety of labor initiatives that could work to the advantage of airline unions. Andrew Steinberg, a former transportation assistant secretary under President George W. Bush, tells Bloomberg he thinks some potential labor-friendly actions under the new administration could prove "significant" in giving unions leverage in talks over wage increases and work rules. On that note, Ed Wytkind, president of the AFL-CIO's transportation trades department, tells Bloomberg: "We would expect an Obama administration would live up to its strong commitment to not only support, but strengthen, the collective bargaining right of workers."

Elsewhere, Bloomberg says that while labor groups may get a boost, airlines may now find "it easier to protect New York flights with Barack Obama as president. … A Bush transportation priority this year has been to auction off as many as 10% of airlines' takeoff and landing rights at the three major New York airports, where flights are capped to curb delays. The Bush administration says the auctions will boost competition." However, Bloomberg claims a majority of Congress members oppose that plan, and Roger Cohen -– president of the Regional Airline Association –- tells the news service that he thinks Obama won't be as "driven by ideology" on the subject and may choose not to spar with lawmakers.

Br'er Rabbit

Recently, someone asked me what my dream job would be. My response was this is pretty much it. While there are other hats that I'd like to wear, like trophy wife, mom, author, coach, there are no other jobs quite like mine. Work stays at work, and work travels around the world, and I get at least 10 days off a month if not more. Someday, in the magical land of holding a line (aka real schedule), I'll even get to say where and when (now I get to sort of say when and occasionally where - reserve). My only issue that I run into with my line of work are others who aren't okay with the job.

You jealous.

As I was surfing the web, and found one of those lame Q and A's of this undecided girl asking whether or not she should pursue a career with the airlines. This was the response:


Dear Undecided,

I think you should do it. You want to do it, so you should do it. I don't know if I can offer you any insight. It's more sheer enthusiasm. I feel like standing under your window singing "Do it! Do it! Do it!" I maybe should feel some nuance, some wizened concern, but I don't. All I feel is ... I feel like cheering.

I admit that I am in a rather reduced state and that rather than looking for a problem to solve I have instead been looking for a solution I could applaud. But what's wrong with that? I feel in my gut that this is the right thing. Will you allow me that?

Could you possibly waste your education? A "waste" would indicate that your education was of no value in itself. Your education is worth what it is worth regardless of what you do afterward. That's what we always used to think of education, anyway -- that it ennobles the soul. It allows the mind to grow, so the mind can work right and help you make the right decisions, which means if you get done with all that education and you know deep down that now it's time to become a flight attendant, then that's probably the right decision. If you didn't have the education maybe you'd think, Oh look at me, I'm just a lowly flight attendant, I have no education and no future, this is all I'll ever be. But no. You've got the ribbons and the medals. You can call the shots. And this is the shot you're calling. More power to you.

Do what you love. Allow yourself to love what you do. And when the love ends, then you can leave. It won't kill you. What an adventure!

Wanting is knowledge. Someone asks us what we want and we say, Oh, I don't know. I don't know what I want. But the truth is we do! We do know what we want! It's just (isn't it?) that what we want isn't the thing we ought to want or want to want or are supposed to want or think we want. It's what we want. It's the potato we want in a store full of ripe oranges. It's the comic book on a shelf full of Shakespeare -- and why are we supposed to not want that? Because wanting is the deepest story of who we are; wanting is who we are more than getting. Getting can be fate or accident: You wanted to be an actress but were forced to be a stenographer because that was what was available. Getting can be an accident for which we are not responsible. Getting can be circumstance. But wanting is pure. Wanting is who you are.

I too am thrilled every time I board an airplane; I am thrilled to stand at the curb of an airport pickup lane, watching the shuttles and the vans full of pilots and flight attendants and all the rest; I too love to watch the planes fly over. I too have wondered what it is like to wander the sleeping aisles, the only one awake traveling through the sky. Observe the traveler. Stand over the sleeping traveler, watching over him, thinking of all the things you know and all the things you could do, but knowing that you are doing the thing that was strongest in your heart. You wanted to be high in the air watching sleeping bodies, preparing the coffee, standing in the galley thinking.

So I applaud you. I applaud you. I applaud you.



This was one of the more moving pieces I had ever read about my profession. I get so pumped on my drive to work and to cut the dress on the catwalk headed towards the gate. I love the smell of Boeing in the evening. If this isn't how you feel about your job, or even your life, then perhaps its not life that's letting you down...

Sitting Reserve

Sitting reserve means just that in the winter months: sitting. I have been home for two days and tomorrow will mark the third (well, they have yet to finish assigning all the airport alerts but the only ones left begin at 8 and 9 at night and that's just too late). I don't mind not getting used, I went to the mall and voted today. Our mall is classy: we have a county store between the local department store and the DEB. There you can register to vote, get an absentee ballot, or get your passport card (for sea and land travel... aka fancy no age minimum licence), a regular passport that is recognized by other nations, investigate what the elected county officials are doing for you and so forth. I've also been reading a lot - most definitely not the positive reading material that I should be concentrating on. I've been baking up a storm! Cookies and muffins galore. I wish someone could inform my mother that sitting reserve is not the extreme "slackitude" position that she thinks it is. By the time the month is over, I will have had off more days than I worked. I really would like to go to work, but that's up to scheduling. Oh to live in the magical land of holding a line! Rumor has it that we're hiring a few new kiddies to replace the old biddies retiring and crazyass reserves that get themselves fired for crazyass reserve shenanigans. This translates to a few more people behind me so that I might some day reach my goal of holding a line. Someday.

I Gotta Crush On Obama

I found this shirt in Geneva... if it didn't cost a bazillion Swiss francs, I just might have invested in it.

I Said Burr!

To My Dearest Grandmother,

I am writing you to ask if I may move into your house full of heat. Today, it was a breezy 63 degrees inside of my parents' house. Swaddled in my fuzziest of blankets, I parked it on the couch with no desire to leave for fear of freezing in the wild winds of October. Much to my surprise, it was warmer outside than in! When questioned about the status of heat in the house, I was told not til November or snow on the ground. I cannot blame my cool roommate named "Mom"; our gas tank costs $1,000 USD to fill. I'd like to extend a big thanks to our government officials who are in bed with big oil; I hope you're thinking about all the people who can't afford heat this winter while snuggled so close together. So, dear Grandmother, I'm moving in with you, into your teeny tiny little house out on Long Island where fuel costs don't matter when you can feel the chill on your bones.

Love Always,
Alyssa

Manchester... Surprised?

New Jersey Success Story

1. Which airline is lucky enough to employ you?
If you haven't figured it out yet, then you don't deserve to be told!

2. What city (ies) are you based in?
EWR

3. If you could choose ANY city, what would your dream base be? Philly, but only because it would make living with my cool roommates named "Mom" and "Dad" easier! Otherwise, I'd go with something crazy like ATH or FCO, FRA

4. How long would you like to be based there? just a few years

5. Have you ever done the nasty with a passenger you met on the plane? absolutely not!

6. Have you ever wanted to? see above - the entire aircraft is dirty

7. What's your favorite city thus far to lay over in? Copenhagen... Frankfurt... Brussels

8. Have you had famous people as passengers? two - Darth Vader and John Rzeznik

9. If so, who was your favorite? both rather chill people

10. Who was your LEAST favorite? I have yet to encounter a truly horrible famous person

11. Who would you LOVE to have on your flight? JOHN KRASINSKI, Kathy Griffin, Dane Cook, that hot guy Doug from the Hills

12. Are you a language speaker for your airline? I'm still mastering the fine art that is English

13. What is your least favorite flight to work? any sort of Texas shuffle nonsense (IAH - AUS - IAH - SAT - IAH - MSY... eww) and domestic in general

14. Do you have a flight you actually ENJOY working? Dublin and Shannon... erin go braugh!

15. Have you ever done the nasty with CREW MEMBER (on a layover)? I think I just threw up a little in my mouth...

16. What do you watch on TV when you're getting ready for work on a layover? I don't turn the TV on when I'm getting ready for work

17. Have you ever dropped a passenger meal and served it? not in the front

18. Do you prefer working coach, business, or first class? I party in economy

19. What is your favorite airplane to work? I like aft galley on the 777, aisle on 76 or 75

20. Do you know what crop-dusting inflight is? I do, but do you?

21. Do you prefer working early flights or late ones? when I was domestic, I loved the ass early breakfast flights and red eyes because everyone sleeps; now its all late ones for me

22. Do you like the uniform your airline gives you? I think they're trying to make it better, but its not my favorite

23. Do you take your laptop on layover? depends on where we're going, who's going with me and what the weather will be like

24. What is your LEAST favourite part of every flight? picking up trash with the stupid pick up pans

25. What is the BEST hotel you've ever had a layover at? Dublin, Cancun, Manchester but just because of the crew room

26. Where did you interview for your job? EWR

27. What other cities have you been based in? just that one

28. Favorite base? everyone rags on my base, but its got the best flying in the system

29. Why did you become a flight attendant? I was working at the bank, and desperately wanted to get out and go as far away as possible.

30. Did you apply at other airlines that didn't want you? I got hired at every airline I applied to

31. Do you like the airline you work for? its better than anywhere else I got hired

32. Have you had the CEO of your airline onboard as a passenger? I had the #2 man

33. Have you ever dated a passenger you met? technically he was a non-rev

34. Have you ever gotten into a disagreement with a fellow flight attendant? not a real one - disagreement that is, she was a real flight attendant

35. Has a pilot ever hit on you? OMG YES and my favorite response is that I don't date men who are old enough to be my father!

36. Do you dislike passengers or pilots more? horrid pilots make me sad because they're running around out there on line terrorizing other flight attendants and there really isn't much we can do about it

37. Passengers ask annoying questions when they see you in uniform. What is your least favorite question? any sort of variation to "how much longer" or to ask the captain what gate your next flight is leaving out of or to hold the plane for you

38. What is the stupidest request a passenger has ever made of you? heat up someone's mac and cheese

39. Is being a hostess with the mostess your only job? yes, I'm too tired to do anything else

40. Have you gotten any long-lasting relationships out of your job? I'm going with the "half-full" answer of not yet

Strange Encounters of the HS Kind

My Dearest AB,

Your ex-boyfriend, the ginger circa 2000, was on my flight to Manchester, UK today. It was kind of weird and sort of creepy. The man hasn't changed a bit, with the exception of his wedding band and facial hair. Our only conversation was him accusing me of having gone to the LHS; I told him jokingly to get off the plane and that made him look awfully uncomfortable which amused me greatly. How bizarre, how bizarre.

Love,
AC

Indecision 2008

For all you McCain fans out there:

http://www.aflcio.org/issues/politics/mccain_aviation.cfm


If anyone can find a similar Barack/Biden rebuttle, feel free to share.

What I Did Today... Sort Of

I was waiting for a cross-town train in the London underground
When it struck me
that I've been waiting since birth to find
A love that would look and sound like a movie
so I changed my plans and rented a camera and a van and then I called you
"I need you to pretend that we are in love again" and you agreed to

I want so badly to believe that there is truth, that love is real
And I want life in every word to the extent that it's absurd

I greased the lens and framed the shot using a friend as my stand-in
The script it called for rain but it was clear that day so we faked it
The marker snapped and I yelled "quiet on the set"
And then called "action!"
And I kissed you in a style that Clark Gable would have admired
I thought it classic

I want so badly to believe that "there is truth, that love is real"
And I want life in every word to the extent that it's absurd
I know you're wise beyond your years, but do you ever get the fear
That your perfect verse is just a lie you tell yourself to help you get by?

~The Postal Service



I mean, its kind of close to true events. I went to the Tate Modern via underground, am currently eating Indian food, and will be going to SoHo against my wishes for Jai.

The Things They Carried (And Lost)

Items I've left on the plane since I started flying:
- lunch! salami sandwich, sun chips. I put it away and forgot all about it.
- my pimp apron with my name plate and Rutgers pin in LAX
- my second pimp apron with my second and final name plate, and a Stitch pin on the 777 coming home from LHR
- a sweater traveling in and out of IAH, one coming home from LHR
- a pair of leg warmers on the 757 (I have since gone to Primark and invested in another pair)
- my copy of Da Vinci Code (I didn't even like it - I thought it poorly written in terms of syntax, though it had intriguing plot lines to keep me reading)


Items I've forgotten in hotels:
- pajamas on the first night of a 3 day in ATL
- dessert on the second layover of aforementioned 3 day in MSY (it was bread pudding)
- shampoo and face wash in DUB
- electricity converter, the fancy $30 kind from Brookstone in MAN; I made my parents call the hotel from their land line to see if it had been turned in - it had not.
- another set of shampoo and face wash in DUB (I think its because of the ginormous bathroom)
- and most recently, a bag of dark chocolate peanut M&Ms in MAN. This one really got my knickers in a twist because I was saving them for the car ride home and had to eat a Jaffa cake bar instead.


I think for 18 months on the job, that's not too bad! One thing I've never lost track of again is definitely my pjs!

Little People, Big Cigarette

On my last layover in London Gatwick, a few of the flight attendants and I went to the super market to grab something for dinner. One of the guys was smoking a cigarette on the way back; a little person was coming our way. When she got closer, she stepped to the side, and in a horrid tone asked him to please be careful with his cigarette... as if he would purposefully burn her! It was just one of those things that made you stop and wonder, followed by a fit of laughter.

Maybe you had to be there.

New Jersey Shore

I spent a week down the exclusive shore of LBI, and it was amazing. Yesterday, I hit up Ocean City and I was less than pleased. Not only were there a million people on the shore, but there were jelly fish like whoa. It wasn't as bad as that jelly fish plague of the mid 90's (like 1994? 1995?). I know in August that's to be expected but it just made me sad. I kept flashing to the squishy scene in Finding Nemo, and with no one present who I knew to be willing to pee on me, I had to forgo the splashing fun. I managed to finish New Moon by Stephanie Meyer and continue work on my lovely bronze hue; moreover, it was a Thursday so its not like I can really complain, now can I? ;)

Hand Job?

(F.O. M. Mills, 2008)

To the Flying Public: We're Sorry

I strive to come up with my own material for my blog. Every now and again, something pops up in flight attendant land that I think needs to be shared. I'm not sure who the author is, otherwise I would sing my praises and kudos. Keep in mind, that I personally am not sorry.


To the Flyin​g Publi​c:​ We’re​ sorry​.

​We’re​ sorry​ we have no pillo​ws.​ We’re​ sorry​ we’re​ out of blank​ets.​ We’re​ sorry​ the airpl​ane is too cold.​ We’re​ sorry​ the airpl​ane is too hot. We’re​ sorry​ the overh​ead bins are full.​ We’re​ sorry​ we have no close​t space​ for your overs​ized bag. We’re​ sorry​ that’​s not the seat you wante​d.​ We’re​ sorry​ there​’s a restl​ess toddl​er/​overw​eight​/​offen​sive smell​ing passe​nger seate​d next to you. We’re​ sorry​ the plane​ is full and there​’s no other​ seats​ avail​able.​ We’re​ sorry​ you didn’​t get your upgra​de.​ Were sorry​ that guy makes​ you uncom​forta​ble becau​se he “look​s like a terro​rist”​.​ We’re​ sorry​ there​’s a thund​ersto​rm and we can’t​ take off. We’re​ sorry​ we don’t​ know when it will stop.​ We’re​ sorry​ you’r​e cramm​ed into a sp ace so small​ that if you were an anima​l PETA would​ prote​st.​ We’re​ sorry​ that a Super​ 80 has no music​ or video​ enter​tainm​ent for your 3 hour fligh​t.​ We’re​ sorry​ we ran out of your favor​ite soda.​ We’re​ sorry​ there​’s no more sandw​iches​.​ We’re​ sorry​ that Budwe​iser costs​ $​6.​00.​ We’re​ sorry​ we don’t​ have diape​rs for your baby.​ We’re​ sorry​ we don’t​ have milk for same baby.​ We’re​ sorry​ you can’t​ hang out by the cockp​it door waiti​ng to use the bathr​oom.​ We’re​ sorry​ you can’t​ hang out at the back of the airpl​ane.​ We’re​ sorry​ you have to sit down and faste​n your seatb​elt.​ We’re​ sorry​ you have to put your seat up for landi​ng.​ We’re​ sorry​ we don’t​ know when we’re​ going​ to land.​ We’re​ sorry​ we don’t​ know wheth​er your plane​ to (​subst​itute​ any city in the world​)​ will be waiti​ng for you when we land.​ We’re​ sorry​ we’ve​ been diver​ted becau​se we ran out of gas waiti​ng to land.​We’re​ sorry​ for these​ 20 and so many other​ thing​s that we have absol​utely​ no contr​ol over but which​ we are held accou​ntabl​e for EVERY​ SINGL​E DAY.

Pleas​e under​stand​ that fligh​t atten​dants​ are not the enemy​.​ We share​ your space​.​ More than anyone, we want to have a nice,​ pleas​ant trave​l exper​ience​.​ There​ is a reaso​n behin​d every​thing​ we ask you to do. It may be a FAA Direc​tive.​ It may be secur​ity relat​ed.​ It may be a compa​ny proce​dure.​ We don’t​ just make stuff​ up. We don’t​ spend​ 8 weeks​ at the fligh​t acade​my learn​ing how to pour a Coke.​ There​ are many thing​s that fligh​t atten​dants​ are watch​ing for const​antly​ on every​ fligh​t FOR YOUR SAFET​Y.​ It’s not becau​se we’re​ bored​ or so contr​ollin​g that we just enjoy​ telli​ng peopl​e what to do. I for one would​ like to have one fligh​t where​ I didn’​t have to repea​tedly​ tell peopl​e to put their​ seats​ up for landi​ng.​ Serio​usly.​ Can’t​ you just do what we ask somet​imes?​ Witho​ut the glares, eye rolli​ng and disda​in?​ For the recor​d – putti​ng your seat up for landi​ng may not seem that impor​tant to your perso​nal safet​y.​ Howev​er,​ it is very impor​tant for the perso​n sitti​ng BEHIN​D YOU. If you have ever tried​ to get out of a row where​ someo​ne has their​ seat back you know it can be a chall​enge.​ Try grabb​ing your ankle​s (​emerg​ency brace​ posit​ion)​ or getti​ng out that row quick​ly with smoke​ in the cabin​. ​Under​stand​ a littl​e bette​r now?

Many of the thing​s we ask passe​ngers​ to compl​y with are FAA direc​tives​.​ Like carry​-​on bag stowa​ge and exit row requi​remen​ts.​ When we can serve​ drink​s (in the air) and when we can't (​after​ the aircr​aft door is close​d or on an activ​e taxi-​way)​.​ We are only allow​ed to move about​ the cabin​ durin​g taxi out for safet​y relat​ed dutie​s.​ We can’t​ get you blank​ets then,​ or hang coats​,​ or get you drink​s.​ It’s not becau​se we don’t​ want to. It’s becau​se we are held perso​nally​ respo​nsibl​e if we fail to compl​y with FAA direc​tives​, meani​ng the FAA can fine us perso​nally​ up to $​10,​000 if we fail to compl​y or enfor​ce an FAA Direc​tive.​ Like no bags at the bulkh​ead.​ No child​ren in the exit row. No one movin​g aroun​d the cabin​ durin​g taxi.​ Perha​ps now you know why fligh​t atten​dants​ get a littl​e testy​ when peopl​e move about​ the cabin​ when they’​re not suppo​sed to. It’s not the compa​ny that gets in troub​le for that.​ It’s us. Imagine if the airli​nes showed worst​ case scena​rio safet​y video​s.​ Like what happe​ns if you walk throu​gh the cabin​ durin​g turbu​lence​.​ There​ could​ be a guy who has just falle​n and smack​ed his face on the metal​ armre​st and now has a blood​y,​ gushi​ng broke​n nose.​ Or an elder​ly lady who now has a broke​n arm becau​se someo​ne walki​ng to the bathr​oom fell on her. Maybe​ a passe​nger with a broke​n neck becau​se someb​ody opene​d an overh​ead bin durin​g turbu​lence​ and a suitc​ase fell out and onto the perso​n sitti​ng benea​th it. These​ thing​s can easil​y happe​n in a fast movin​g,​ unsta​ble air envir​onmen​t.​ Pleas​e just trust​ that we are looki​ng out for your best inter​est and stop fight​ing with us about​ every​thing​ we ask you to do. It is exhau​sting​.​

Final​ly,​ pleas​e,​ pleas​e, please direc​t your hosti​lity and frust​ratio​ns in the direc​tion where​ they will be most effec​tive:​ the custo​mer servi​ce depar​tment​.​ They are the ones equip​ped to handl​e your compl​aint and imple​ment proce​dures​ for CHANG​E.​ Think​ about​ it. Compl​ainin​g to the fligh​t crew about​ all your negat​ive trave​l exper​ience​s is about​ the same as compl​ainin​g to the offic​e janit​or becau​se your compu​ter isn’t​ worki​ng.​ It may make you feel bette​r to vent about​ it – but it reall​y won’t​ fix anyth​ing.​ More than anybo​dy we are alrea​dy aware​ of the lack of ameni​ties,​ food,​ servi​ce and comfo​rt on the aircr​aft.​ Pleas​e share​ your conce​rns with the peopl​e in the cubic​les at corpo​rate who need that infor​matio​n to make bette​r decis​ions for the flyin​g publi​c.​ It’s frust​ratin​g that so many peopl​e are in denia​l about​ what the trave​l indus​try is about​ now. The glory​ days of pillo​ws,​ blank​ets,​ magaz​ines and a hot meal for every​one are long gone.​ Our job is to get you from point​ A to point​ B safel​y and at the cheap​est possi​ble cost to you and the compa​ny.​ So be prepa​red.​ If you are hungr​y – get a sandw​ich befor​e you get on the plane​.​ If it’s a 3 hour fligh​t,​ antic​ipate​ that you may get hungr​y and bring​ some snack​s.​ If you are cold natur​ed – bring​ a wrap.​ Think​ for yours​elf and think​ ahead​.​ Other​wise,​ don’t​ compl​ain when you have to pay $​3.​00 for a cooki​e and are left with a crust​y blank​et to keep you warm.​We hear often​ that the servi​ce just isn’t​ what is used to be. Well the SERVI​CE we provi​de now isn’t​ what it used to be.

When I was hired​,​ my job was to serve​ drink​s,​ meals​,​ ensur​e that safet​y requi​remen​ts were met and tend to in-​fligh​t medic​al issue​s.​ Since​ 9/11, my prima​ry job is to ensur​e that my airpl​ane will not be compr​omise​d by a terro​rist.​ 9/11 may be a dista​nt memor​y now to many,​ but be assur​ed that flight attedants report to work every day with worst case senarios in mind.​ We feel a perso​nal respo​nsibi​lity to ensur​e that somet​hing like that never​ happe​ns again​.​ We can never​ relax​.​ We can never​ not be suspi​cious​ about​ someo​ne’s inten​tions​.​ It is diffi​cult to be vigil​ant and grega​rious​ at the same time.​ Espec​ially​ when most of us are worki​ng 12 hour days after​ layov​ers that only allow​ 5-6 hours​ of sleep​.​ Not becau​se we were out party​ing and havin​g a grand​ time on the layov​er – but becau​se the delay​s that you exper​ience​ as a passe​nger also affec​t us as a crew,​ so that what was a 10 hour layov​er is now 8 hours​ which​ doesn​’t leave​ a lot of time to recov​er from what has becom​e an incre​asing​ly stres​sful occup​ation​.​

In spite of every​thing,​ I still​ enjoy​ being​ a fligh​t atten​dant.​ I am writi​ng this lette​r becau​se I do still​ care about​ my profe​ssion​ and about​ the publi​c perce​ption​ of fligh​t atten​dants.​ In the incre​asing​ly chall​engin​g trave​l world​ it is becom​ing more imper​ative​ than ever for peopl​e to just be decen​t to each other​.​ I can go throu​gh an entir​e day witho​ut one perso​n sayin​g anyth​ing remot​ely civil​.​ I will stand​ at the aircr​aft door and say hello​ to every​one who enter​s and maybe​ 50% will even look at me and even less will say hello​ back.​ I will try to serve​ someo​ne a meal who can’t​ be bothe​red to take their​ heads​ets off long enoug​h for me to ask them what they want.​ Most of the time the only conve​rsati​on a passe​nger has with me is when they are compl​ainin​g.​ Is it any wonde​r why fligh​t atten​dants​ have shut down a bit? After​ suffe​ring the disda​in of hundr​eds of passe​ngers​ a day it’s diffi​cult somet​imes to even smile​,​ much less inter​act.​ We are human​.​ We appre​ciate​ the same respe​ct and court​esy that passe​ngers​ do. The next time you fly, try treat​ing the fligh​t atten​dants​ the way you would​ like to be treat​ed.​You may be surpr​ised how frien​dly your fligh​t crew is when they are treat​ed like peopl​e!




I'm not apologetic because my grandmother taught me a long time ago that it is better to have it and never need it than to need it and never have it. Basic amenities of life (food, diapers, toys, books, etc) are things that as a traveler, ARE YOUR RESPONSIBILITY. My job is to save your ass, not kiss it. But smiles, pleases, thank yous, and treating others as you'd like to be treated, all go a long way.

Outdoor Shower Power Down the Shore

This week I am on vacation in Long Beach Island with my girls, Maureen and Lisa. Our daily itinerary is as following:

10:00 - wake up
11:00 - coffee, breakfast, changing into swim wear and blocking (SPF 45 all the way!)
12:00 - beach - sitting in the shade, in the sun, reading, swimming (we're doing the Phelps medley! I can hold a hand stand longer than you! I can do more flips than you!)
5:00 - OUTDOOR SHOWER MOMENT OF ZEN
7:00 - dinner preparation, grilling with beer in hand (preferably Franziskaner)
8:00 - Olympics - we like men's swimming, volleyball, and making fun of that shman on NBC

And then at some point, we go to sleep. We did make it out to the bar one night where we were charged $7 for shitty LIT's. The best part was walking home at 2 am, for which we had to procure toilet paper. And yes, we needed it!

There is nothing better in the world than showering outdoors. Its the highlight of my, rather ANY, vacation.

Pay Up... Rut

I had two free days off... and then I sat alert. Yes, I woke up at 6:40, out the door by 8, in the "office" by 10, started alert at 11:15, sat til 3:15, and was home by 5:15. And yes, I only got paid for four hours. Surprisingly enough, I didn't mind because they didn't roll my day and I got to sleep in my own bed every night this week.



My roommate from college, who's now a resident of South Florida, asked me via MyFace if I wanted to go to the Rutgers/South Florida game. I immediately said yes at the prospect of pigskin, hotties in red, and lots o beer, thinking about how all I needed was one Saturday off to enjoy the late fall on the Banks. Apparently, this year the game is being played in Florida... could have fooled me! Its funny because it doesn't matter where the game is played, I fly for free. AND I'm not getting furloughed!!!

Get Paid to Sit at Home on Your Ass!

Yesterday, I had a free day off thanks to scheduling. I even called to be put on the guest purser list and still nothing. I must admit that its nice to get to be home all day and know you're going to get paid no matter how far you do or do not fly. I'm getting nervous because I know they can roll my day off on Friday which has the potential to mess with my week down the shore. Sitting in South Jersey knowing they can call you also gets stressful during rush hour when the call potential increases, knowing I might have to be at the airport in two hours. Ack. It makes me feel like I can't leave, a more comfortable version of airport arrest if you will. Its like house arrest where I have control over the remove (channel and volume!) and I can indeed come out the house with no ankle bracelet on (yes Bon Qui Qui that is what I had said). Since I've been sitting here for two days I have yet to do anything truly productive; I have new furniture and empty drawers. My old bookcase is now my sister's, and my library now resides in a box in the office. I'm thinking today maybe I should get a start on this... Maybe.

May the Force Be With You

That's right, I had this guy on my flight from LGW. He was even nicer than that other celeb I had going to LA, and way more polite and appreciative than all those other passengers in first class. And yes, I got a signed autograph; and yes, the nerds of the world are totally jealous.

Stranger Than Your Sympathy

About 20 minutes before I was scheduled to go home, I got called out for a domestic pairing. One leg to LA, 16 hours, and two legs home via IAH. I was slightly concerned that I was going to run into someone that I didn't want to see going to LA; instead, I had this guy sitting in first class. He was very nice and just like any other annoying, rule breaking first class passenger. To be honest, seeing Curtis for .2 seconds was way more exciting.

On a side economic note, gas in LA was $4.57. I just paid $3.91 here in Jersey AND I didn't pump it!

Day two on my domestic trip was a little bit better because I still hadn't gotten over all those domestic-isms that make flying state side different than across the pond. Also, a friend of mine was deadheading back to EWR, come to find out that a bunch of us big bad international flight attendants had all been assigned domestic pairings and I actually lucked out with what I got. We'll see what happens tomorrow though. I was eligible to pick something upfor tomorrow, but I was too busy riding roller coasters in Hershey ;)

Cosmic Whammie

I called in sick, ten days off. I had airport alert. Twice. Round one, I got Brussels after two hours, which was nice. Round two commenced at 7:45 this morning. I haven't been up this early for ANYTHING in four months; I am sleepy. As I type, I'm sitting in the crew room surrounded by creepy commuters who think this is a free motel with a sky so grey you'd think its London. Its already 8, so I guess everyone showed up for their two day LHR. I have no idea what else leaves this early and nothing else is really open. As much as I would love to go home, it sure would be nice to work. After all, I did just buy brand new furniture for my room.

Chronic Clutter and Hoarding Disorder

My mother and college roommate will be the first two to tell you that I have a problem. I love to collect piles of crap, meaningless scraps of paper that have some sort of minuscule significance at one point in time. In this bigger process of moving back from college, the crash pad, and learning how to be a successful contributing member of greater society, I still have going away cards dated 9/1998, notes we passed back and forth in chemistry, report cards from senior year (two C's - calc and physics). If you sent me a birthday card in the past decade, I have it. Whats nice about the extreme clutter in my room is that it is free of boy - meaning all my boy boxes are hiding in the basement awaiting sentencing. In case you were wondering, oh ex-boyfriend(s), I'm shredding it all, decapitating stuffed bears, and throwing away what used to be your precious box. I think its a positive step in my disorder, seeing that for years the thought of destroying this stuff made me break out in hives. But finally, FINALLY, keeping it around makes me feel like I weight a million pounds.

I've also been home for a week and have another four days to go and needed SOMETHING to occupy my time. Go sick call! Sometimes, you just need a mental health day, or ten.

All Cracked Up

My head/neck currently leans to the right; I know this because my new chiropractor showed me the x-rays. (I know, I know, if I wanted to be blasted with more radiation I should have just gone to work). I decided to see one because of the annoying pain I'm experiencing from sleeping at the LHR hotel, and the constant bending up and down to deliver drinks or pick up rubbish, whether its in first class or steerage. Its going to help my sinus situation, as the body has been built to work as one. Part of the damage is from years of girls landing on my head during cheerleading practice, as well as my car accident four years ago. I've had a very positive experience with the whole thing, my insurance covers it, and seeing how I got my furlough packet two days ago, I'm having everything I can possibly have done now. My next stop on the doctor train is the dermatologist, and I might have to see my eye doctor in August because by the time September rolls around, Lord only knows if I'll even still be pouring cokes.

This one time, on my way to Zurich...

I totally saw Curtis, TLC's Take Home Chef in the terminal. And let me tell you, homeslice is damn sexy. I got all star struck and just stood there and watched him walk by. I'd let him take me home any day!

Then on the way home from Zurich, I had some Swiss soccer player sitting in my section. Seeing as I know nothing about the sport, let alone actual players (with the minor exception of Becks, and that's only because of Posh) I had no reason to ask for an autograph or slip him my number during the beverage service. He too was quite smoking.

Did I tell you the part about how I got to go to Zurich? Were you in Zurich today? Didn't think so.

Technicolor Girls

My little old Italian grandmother from Brooklyn said that this was going to be a good year. She is not a fan of any years that end in an odd number; like '06, '94, etc were all good years... '01? 95? not so much. I can't determine whether or not I think its a kick ass year quite yet, but I do know that things are changing everyday and in ways I didn't think feasible.

Translation? I'm packing up my crash pad and moving home. And painting my room pink.

In the process of cleaning, I shredded every notebook, journal, letter, or whiny teenage poetry I'd ever written. Absolutely everything that any boy has ever given me is gone, shredded and discarded. I'm amazed at what the past decade of my life looks like in bags of trash, having survived two trans-continental moves, middle school, high school, college, personal and national tragedies, and now a crazy career with even crazier people a part of my past ten years. Its all gone now, and I feel better.

SMH, ALB, SEM, MAM - I love you guys.

Daily News Update

blogs.usatoday.com/sky/


Can we say furlough? Apparently, the inudstry is in worse shape now than after September 11, 2001. Is anyone out there looking for a high school geography/history teacher who's experience includes pourer of cokes and in-flight cookie baker? We'll know for sure come the end of the summer.

Job Titles

I was reading one of those MySpace surveys that a fellow flight attendant friend of mine completed, and this made me giggle:

48. How do you earn money?
High Speed Aluminum Tubing

Furlough Like Whoa...

Yesterday I volunteered my time at my mother's school for fun day; I was the designated cotton candy maker. Its my newly acquired skill so when I get furloughed come the fall I'll have that second career ready to go. And at no cost to tax payers because I won't be collecting unemployment... I'll be too busy making cotton candy. I like mixing the blue and the pink sugars to make purple!

I Just Got Home From Dublin...

Flight Crew Layover Hangover Ratings Guide:

One-Star Hangover: No pain. No real feeling of illness. Your sleep last night was a mere disco nap which is giving you a whole lot of misplaced energy. Be glad that you are able to function relatively well. However, you are still parched. You get to the plane and you can drink 10 sodas and still feel this way. Even vegetarians are craving a steak bomb and a side of gravy fries from any truck stop USA.

Two-Star Hangover: No pain. Something is definitely amiss. You may look okay but you have the attention span and mental capacity of a duty desk supervisor. The coffee you chug to try and remain focused is only exacerbating your rumbling gut, which is craving a rootie tootie fresh and fruity pancake breakfast from IHOP which is no where in sight on the bus ride to the airport. Last night has wreaked havoc on your bowels and even though you have a nice demeanor about the flight, you are wasting the company's valuable money because all you really can handle is reading on the jumpseat.

Thee-Star Hangover: Slight headache. Stomach feels crappy. You are definitely a space shot and so not productive. You have the attention span of a gnat. Anytime a female walks by you gag because her perfume reminds you of the random gin shots you did with your alcoholic crew members after the bouncer 86'd you at 3:45 a.m. Life would be better right now if you were in your crash pad bed with a dozen donuts and a meatball sub watching the E! fashion awards. You've had 4 cups of coffee, a gallon of water, 3 cans of oolong teas and a liter of Diet Coke - yet you haven't peed once.

Four-Star Hangover: Life sucks. Your head is throbbing and you can't speak too quickly or else you might puke. Your flight manager has already lambasted you for being late and has given you a lecture for reeking of booze. You uniform is nice, but that can't hide the fact that you missed an oh-so crucial spot shaving, (girls, it looks like you put your make-up on while riding the crew bus) your teeth have sweaters, your eyes look like one big vein and your hair style makes you look like a reject from the class picture of training class. You would shoot your mother for one or all of the following:
1. The announcement to prepare for landing.
2. The entire appetizer list from TGI Fridays
3. A time machine so you could go back and NOT have gone out the night before with the crew.

Five-Star Hangover (aka Dante's 4th Circle of Hell): You have a second heartbeat in your head, exacerbated by 6 bouts of the dry heaves, which is actually annoying the flight attendant who sits next to you on the jumpseat. Vodka vapor is seeping out of every pour and making you dizzy. You still have toothpaste crust in the corners of your mouth from brushing your teeth. Your body has lost the ability to generate saliva, so your tongue is suffocating you. You'd cry but that would take the last of the moisture left in your body. Death seems pretty good right now. Your flight manager doesn't even get mad at you and your co-workers think that your dog just died because you look so pathetic. You should have called in sick because, let's face it, all you can manage to do is bitch about your state - which is a mystery to you because you definitely don't remember who you were with, where you were, what you drank and why there is a stranger still sleeping in your bed, unaccompanied, at your hotel. The only thing you can do is pass out. It's when you wake up a few hours later, after crew rest, with a lesser star hangover that you eat 20 bags of peanuts, 3 first class meals and six 5-hour old coach cabin meals.

Bitch, I don't know your life!

Lately, I have encountered many a flight attendant nay-sayer. Why did you choose such a career? Wouldn't you rather do something else? How can you live on such poverty wages?

First of all, this isn't a career. Its a job that comes with the most fantastic lifestyle. The only other people I know with a similar work schedule are famous people: athletes, actors, and rock stars. I think nurses and teachers have the second best schedules with three days a week/summers off respectively. Any one else who has a real job only has weekends off and normal people have to save their pennies to be able to afford going to Europe once let alone six times a month. And if you believe that life is about the money, then I'm not so sure I even want to be talking to you. Money isn't nearly as important as true happiness.

On the flip side, to all of you out there who are considering leaving your lives and homes to come join the fantastical adventures of pouring cokes, my advice is to have a back up plan. I have a degree from Rutgers, meaning if things don't go well in the industry (which they aren't as I'm sure you are all aware) I have marketable skills other than "coke pourer". When I'm at work and the rumor mill is running rampant with stories of furloughs and cutting back flights I don't worry about job security because I choose to do this. And for all you "youngins" out there, I encourage you to be well learned before coming to pour cokes. At 18, 19 years old only the regional airlines are available to you; at 21, majors are fair game. Two different types of flying with different corporate cultures; it is important to do your market research and choose an airline that fits you. But hey, its whatever cause... Bitch! I don't know your life!

(Go see Baby Mama - you'll find that more humorous)

Greece

You should go there, and avoid all major cities. Islands and crazy coastal towns and villages only. The Acropolis is only cool if you love all things ancient. Islands are cool if you love all things chill and beach. Do not drink the local beer or wine; this is not Germany or France. And even though the wild dogs don't really attack, that doesn't mean you should pet them.

More to come... or just call me.

Vacation All I Ever Wanted

Now that I've been working non-stop, I am in desperate need of a vacation. So I'm going to Greece for the week. I'm anticipating some serious beach time and I have no idea where we're going or what we're doing. I'll let you know how it turns out when I get back!

I Party In Europe

Last night, my roommate and I went to Atlantic City to party it up. The road trip was fun - two hours of girl talk down the turnpike. I gave her a brief lesson on the scandalous events that go on at the rest stops; she was appauled as things like that don't go down on the 5. We were dressed to the nines, which on a Wednesday isn't really necessary. Our first stop was Borgata, and it was not exactly hopping up in there. The bar scene was okay, I definitely lost at least $30 in the slots. Everyone kept talking about The Pool over at Harrahs, so at 0130 hours we decided that it would be a good idea to head over. We were overdressed, but the best dressed people in there. As the name would indicate, its supposed to be a huge pool party/rent a $500 cabana/ kicking it Vegas style good time. I was happy that it didn't reak of chlorine, but not everyone should be running around wet and in swim wear. Man boobs are not cute.

Out on the dance floor, I was not impressed with the amount of groping or guys trying to shove their tongues in my mouth. It made me miss Europe immencely. Even though on a daily basis, Europeans are not a fan of personal space, they're all about it on the dance floor. Dancing in a Euro club is like dancing around in front of the mirror in your bedroom. No one is trying to be all up in your grill, and I enjoy the freedom. I felt like I needed my gay husband to deflect and deter the macho straight males who were just looking for someone to take home for the night. Its unfortunate that so many girls are like that, ruining the good girls' good time.

I learned:
1. that it is a bad idea to drink on an empty stomach, unless throwing up is your goal
2. rest stop bathrooms are cleaner than those on the plane
3. it is a bad idea to stop at said rest stop any later than 2200, unless you're going to Molly Pitcher on the NJ TPK
4. Vegas > AC (duh, right? maybe the whole during the week/before summer thing was the issue at hand)
5. I party in Europe.

Rolling Rolling Rolling...

I got rolled, sent to Glasgow and then didn't even leave the room. It was fantastic.

It reminded me of my college roommate senior year who loved to get sick. She would hope and pray to get sick, then love loafing around in bed for how ever many days it took her to get better. It was like that for a day, only I got paid. Holler.

And The Shaft

Yesterday I sat alert with my friend Caryn. About 2/3 of the way through, our mutual friend Matthew showed up because he was checking in for the late Dublin. We played some Uno and then the phone rang. It was for Caryn and she was going to Dublin with Matthew. Bitches. I finished alert, nothing exciting happened.

This morning, I showed my new crash pad mates how to switch around their schedules to get all the days off they wanted. In the process, I found out I was sitting airport alert again tonight. How special. I have no idea what even leaves this late. I still want tomorrow off though, and now of course because I don't want to get rolled, I will.

Just another day living the dream.

The Perk and The Shaft

There are many perks to being a flight attendant; thus far, the most rewarding one is having the opportunity to talk to my friend's fourth grade class. Standing in front of 23 fourth graders was made me more nervous than the first time I did the safety demo for main cabin on the 737-500. I got to tell them all sorts of exciting things about my job, and answered all of their questions. They wanted to know if I had been to places like Italy (not since 1985, so I said no) or California. They asked what happens if someone gets sick; I showed them the airsickness bag. The school has a diverse population, and one of the students asked if I flew for Jet Airways; I was forced to hold in my laughter.

It was so weird to be there. The school building looked exactly the way mine did; I remember learning the same things. Walking around a school building as an adult is one of those trippy strolls down memory lane, enabling you to put all those things into perspective. Somewhere out there are all those girls who made fun of me for not being the best cheerleader on the squad (can we say captain of varsity? NCA All-American?) or that punk who ragged on my lack of spelling skills (RU alum in the house) or some Trebor that threw up on pizza day (I did the same thing then that I do now, run away and call a medical professional). I keep talking about becoming a substitute teacher come the fall and being with such small children made me realize that is not where I need to be... who knows where I'll even end up in the fall?

Who knows where I'll end up tomorrow night? I have airport alert at five. There are a lot of fun trips that leave then - Rome, Paris, Athens, Delhi, and all the German destinations. Sure, flying the couch sounds like fun right now with the endless possibilities of destinations in mind. We'll see where I end up; my dollar is on the crash pad.

Brussel Sprouts ;)

I just came home from Brussels. Yes, I saw the peeing boy and girl statues and yes, I had a waffle. It was covered in chocolate, whipped cream, strawberries, bananas, and was awfully delicious. I bought a bottle of wine from duty free; it's tasty. Oh, I worked too. First class aisle - it was not easy and it is not my favorite position. There was some drama on the plane (between two flight attendants!), which I thoroughly enjoyed. It amazes me at how hard people make such an easy job.

Tomorrow, I'm visiting my friend's class (she's a teacher) for career week. I get to talk about how I'm important to the community, what made me want to become a flight attendant, strengths you need to have to be successful, and what a typical day is like. I cannot even imagine what my reaction would have been at that age to have met someone who wakes up at two in the afternoon on a regular basis. I have the next two days off and will most definitely be personal dropping for a third. I have officially worked my ass off and now I'm tired. I suppose that's what going back and forth to Europe six times in four weeks will do to you.

Miss Me???

Alright so now that I've been running around the European continent for almost a month, it dawned on me that I do miss blogging. I went to a writers' conference, learned a lot, and have upped the time I spend writing. Thereby, giving me the time and desire to tell you that I went to London, Edinburgh, Dublin, Belfast, and most recently Frankfurt. So that girl dancing on the bar last night in Meinz... look familar? ;)

International is amazing. I love my job, and you're so jealous.

More to come.



PS - Those of you who are really my friends, there's a video of me and some crew members running around London and if you're so inclined, I'll provide instructions on how you can see it. Its amusing.

Auf Weidersehen

This past trip was probably the most ridiculous trip I've been on in this entire past year. Event after shananigan, it was just insanity and with each passing moment I got excited about the prospect of blogging and sharing it with you. And now that I'm here, I've decided that this isn't the literary direction for me.

I drafted my first short story since college, and it felt amazing. I have met two different types of flight attendants (and even pilots) - those who fly max hours with no lives outside of airplanes, and a whole nother breed of people who pour a few cokes/fly a few planes on the side. I'm done sharing my reality with all of you because I've got way better fictitious stories to tell. For those of you who mean the world to me, and you know who you are, frett not. My cell phone is still fully functional, even after dropping it twice today.

So long, farewell, auf weidersehen, good night.
Good night.

Happy Anniversary!

As of today's MCO turn, I have been online for exactly one year. Happy Anniversary to me! And thanks to our union, I'm guarenteed a raise - very exciting. AND... I got my transfer! As of next bid month, I will be an international flight attendant! UK here I come, over and over and over til I've spent more time in Londontown than Township.

Who's excited??? I AM!!!

Adventures in Scheduling

Yesterday, I woke up and decided that scheduling was not going to control my life. I was on page two so I checked movie times, picked Be Kind Rewind which was only playing in New Brunswick, hopped in my car and drove off into what should have (oh those are so the key words in this sentence) been a lovely day. WRONG.

I get down to Brunswick and I'm literally there for 15 minutes before screw scheduling calls. I have an IAH turn on the 777, working A zone galley down and deadheading back, with exactly two hours to get to the airport. The only minor exciting part about any of this is my BFF was working the flight back to EWR. Now that I had my sob story about how much scheduling sucked I peddled it to anyone who would listen. And no one cared until I got on the plane and talked to the other flight attendants - all nine of us were quick called and had similar sob stories. At least mine did not involve a haircut.

A zone galley on the 777 is rather intense - I had to feed 30 people. It wasn't international service by any means but my two aisle people were international flight attendants so I felt like they were kicking my ass. I did the best I could and I rocked it for the most part. I really liked the position and I'm not so intimidated anymore. I better not be considering I'm transferring to international! My only issue is that I feel too short; I couldn't reach the glasses that were in the top atlas carriers and that just spells concussion. I liked being in the galley because I had little to no customer interaction and that makes me a happy camper.

Oh the Glamour!

I had airport alert tonight from five to nine.

Nothing happened.

I'm already mentally gearing up for some abuse tomorrow night.

Fan Mail

Lately a lot of inquiring minds want to know more about the job. I found this slight exageration of what life is like as a flight attendant. Comical? Yes; but in that its-funny-cause-its-true kind of way.


So you want to be a flight attendant?

Go to a resale store and find an old, navy suit that an army sergeant might have worn. Add a white shirt and a tie. Wear that same outfit for three consecutive days.

Go to an airport and watch airplanes take off for several hours. Pretend you are standing by for them and they are all full. Go home. Return to the airport the very next day and do the same thing again.

Fill several large boxes with rocks. Lift them over your head and place them on the top shelf of a closet. Slam the door shut until the boxes fit. Do this until you feel a disc slip in your back. Turn on a radio. Be sure to set it between stations so there is plenty of static. Turn on the vaccuum cleaner and garbage disposal. Run them all night.

Remove the covers from several T.V entrees. Place them in a hot oven. Leave the food in the oven until it's completely dried out. Remove the hot trays with your bare hands. Serve to your family. Don't include anything for yourself. Serve your family a beverage one hour after they've received their meal. Make them remain in their seats during this time. Ask them to scream at you and complain about the service. Scrounge uneaten rolls off the plates for you to eat 6 hours later when you're really hungry.

Place a straight-backed chair in a closet facing a blank wall. Use a belt to strap yourself into it. Eat the rolls you saved from your family's meal. Ask your family to use the bathroom as frequently as possible. Tell them to remove their shoes and socks before entering, and see who can make the most disgusting mess. Clean the bathroom every hour throughout the night.Make a narrow aisle between several dining room chairs and randomly scatter your husband's runners and loafers along the way. Turn off the lights and spend the night walking up and down the aisle while banging your shins against the chair legs and tripping over the shoes. Drink several cups of cold coffee to keep yourself awake.Gently wake your family in the morning and serve them a muffin in a package. Don't forget to smile and wish them a nice day when they leave for work and school.

After the family leaves, take a suitcase and go out into the yard. If it's not raining, turn on the sprinkler system and stand in the cold for 30 minutes pretending like your waiting for the crew bus topick you up. Then go inside and wait by your bedroom door for another 30 minutes for an imaginary maid to make up your room. Change into street clothes and shop for 5 hours. Pick up carry-outfood from a local deli. Go back home. Sit on your bed and eat your meal. Set your alarm clock for 03:00 am so you'll be ready incase you don't get your wake up call. Repeat the above schedule for three days in a row and you'll be ready to work your first international flight.

Newark Scheduling, This is Jane

Yesterday I sat airport ARREST in terminal a. There was an incident about trying to pick up a trip for today, as the only thing available were turns. Last night, I went out with my industry friends and my goal was to drink til I didn't hate scheduling anymore. I was partially successful until I logged in at 2:40 am to find I had airport alert AGAIN tonight at 7:30, which just pisses me off because of the transportation issue (translation: I'll be driving myself to work tonight, like a big kid). I refused to acknowledge said assignment, I just logged off knowing full well someone was going to call me this morning.

And they did, at ten.

Jane: Hi, may I speak with flight attendant Alyssa?

me: (dammit they know my name!)... This is her.

Jane: Well it seems you must like airport alert a lot because you have that assignment tonight at 1930.

me: Its just special isn't it?

Jane: oh hahaha hahaha ha.

me: (that was not a joke) Thank you for the call.

Jane: Have a great day!

me: (FUCK OFF YOU SCHEDULING BASTARDS WHO GET OFF BY HARASSING ME)




If I didn't laugh, I'd cry. Oh, and Jane's not her real name but yous guys know exactly who I'm talking about! Moreoever, rumor has it that they can only assign you airport alert four times in a bid period. We'll see about that.

DYFS

Here in the state of New Jersey, we have the Department of Youth and Family Services, aka DYFS, and they handle child abuse and those sorts of things. I frequently tell my mother that I am going to report her to said authority; she usually hands me the phone. Now that I have airport arrest AGAIN tomorrow afternoon (in terminal A!), I'm wondering if I can threaten scheduling the same way...

4 Day worth 27 hours???

This month, I have all weekends off. So far, I'm not impressed. As you are all aware, I sat abuse Monday and was called for a two day. When I blocked in, they had already assigned me airport alert for Wednesday at 11 am. I bought a new book, The Witch of Portabello, and ran into a few of my friends in the crew room. The job is definitely more exciting now that I know people. After I had been there for a whopping 45 minutes, the phone starting ringing off the hook! Two people were called for an Orlando turn; and then I was called for an Orlando turn. It was on the 757-300, or what us flight attendants like to refer to as "the slave ship". Going there was amazing! It wasn't completely full and this was the happy yay-we're-going-on-vacation-to-see-Mickey crowd. Coming back was a different story. Air traffic control delay, but we were still going to make it on time. That crowd was a little less understanding, to say the least. I was excited because I got to go play in first class and be aisle; I'm practicing for international (looks like I should get my transfer for either April or May!). I also had a great crew, which always makes any turn far less painful. When I blocked in, they released me to crew rest, I went home, and vegged out. Before I went to bed, I wanted to see my place on the list. I, however, was not on the list because I had been assigned an Atlanta turn! The same one I did Tuesday as part of that two day! Arg! I know one of the other flight attendants, and I've flown with the first officer a few times, so it should be reasonably okay. AND there were a lot of hottie business men coming back last time.

I've been working straight since Monday, and after this turn tonight I will have racked up 27 hours! That is just insanity! And way too much flying. I sure as hell hope they give me a rest tomorrow, thereby giving me a three day weekend!

Literary Genius

I’m taking each step in stride
desperately asking the whispering voice
to speak up inside.
Where it will take me,
I do not know;
but the fear of missing out
wills me to go.
Further and deeper
the trust for myself grows.
Jumping off a precipice
I’m not looking down.
There are no stars
upon which to wish.
Mere faith inside
I realize,
I step out into my own.
I am almost grown.

Just Another Manic Monday

Yesterday we celebrated my father's birthday. My mother kicked me out of the house at 7 (I barely had enough time to finish my cake!) and I was back in my crash pad by 8:30. Scheduling called at 8:37 to tell me that I had effing airport abuse at 5:15 am. Gotta love that screw scheduling, when they give you the polite guess-how-we're-shafting-you-before-nine-pm warning phone call. I think I love it even more when they wake me up at 1:15 claiming that I have an assignment that I never acknowledged... airport alert at 5:15 you say? Well we already went over this. I understood exactly where you told me to shove it the first time when I was coherent at 8:37 pm, thank you.

So I woke up at 3 to take the first shuttle at 4 to the airport. It was a nightmare and a half trying to get ready in my crash pad, but that's a different story for another time. I wondered down to the crew room and was checked in and sound asleep by 4:45. Needless to say when the phone rang at 6:40 with a two day for me, I was looking a hot mess! I didn't even know my hair could look that bad... I took a few minutes (could have used 45 of them), pulled it together, and went to Dunkin Donuts. I rarely see anyone I know in the airport; but not today! At least I only had one leg down to West Palm and the loads were light. Lord only knows what tomorrow holds.


I feel like I can't complain too much because for the first time in the YEAR that I've been flying, I have every weekend off this month. We'll see how I like having a pretend 9-5 and normal days off.

Thank You!

Now that my vacation is coming to an end, I would like to take this opportunity to say thank you to all the people who made my month of February fantastic! I couldn't have done any of this without all of you, like party it up at Disney, get hammered at the Rock, or spend hours shopping for the best deals in the country. You guys have made my time at work, on vacation, and around the bay that much better and I just wanted to say thank you. You're the best :)

My Vacation: Day 1

Today, I decided that I wanted to see the US Holocaust Museum. Sounds fun, right? Well, I never made it. I did, however, decided that a) I have the best job ever and b) I need to grow a pair. I was riding the metro from DCA to downtown, and the two hottest business men I've seen in quite some time were seated next to me. They were discussing how they just had three weeks off, and the really really hot one said he spent it playing X-Box. What I should have said was "oh, that sucks, I went to Disney, I'm here right now and am going skiing later in the week! AND I usually have 10 days off a month - but this month I got 17!". Alas, I said nothing, sat there "reading" and smirking, knowing that I have more days off than them, and did cool things with my time off... like stalk down my boyfriend, Buzz Lightyear (you should see my MySpace) and go skiing.

Instead of going to the Holocaust Museum, I went to Air and Space Museum (classic!) and the National Gallery of Art. I like Air and Space because it takes me back to the 8th grade when we went on our class trip, and with a career in aviation, I have a far greater appreciation for the principles of flight. I also noticed that in their commercial aviation display, my airline is not present. They had a lot of TWA and PanAm stuff, and all sorts of airlines that don't exist anymore like Piedmont, Eastern, Braniff, California Air, People Express. Air and Space also has a NorthWest 747 cockpit on display and I thought it was cool that the 747 pit looked EXACTLY the same as a 737-300. And they had a computer interactive display of the various aircraft that are currently in use... like the cute little Embraer that my Top Gun guy friends fly, the 737 that I feel like I live on, along with the new Airbus and Dreamliner. Nerdy? Yes. Fun? Oh yeah!

Then it was on to the National Gallery of Art, and I love landscapes. I was kind of saddened that the landscape wing is undergoing reconstruction because their collection of the Hudson School is beyond amazing. I did manage to run into Thomas Cole's Voyage of Life, and every time I see it, my mind is blown. I was sad that it wasn't where it used to be, in a small, square practically circular room but for such a masterpiece, it didn't matter. I've seen these paintings, and many others, a zillion times before. Yet, every time I go and look at these wonderous works of art, it still feels like the very first time.

Art and airplanes are sooo cool!

The Fasten Seat Belt Sign Is On...

It is a bad idea to use the lav during moderate turbulence.

This Just In...

I would like to announce the return of Fictitious! I really think that this time we can make it work. My trip ends on Friday, and I'm pretty sure he's taking me out to dinner - sushi! After all, it is lent.

Wish us luck! :)

Technology is a Bitch...

My mom, who recently got the same cell phone as me, asked the following today:

"Where's the thing that you look through to take a picture on the phone?"


She wanted to know the location of the viewfinder. I didn't have the heart to tell her it was in 1992.

HI my name is... who?

Yesterday, Ke and I were in the Crocs store at the MCO airport for lack of better things to do. Apparently, they have a whole new line of totally wicked shoes coming out that aren't heinously ugly and yet still provide the light weight comfort the rest of you Croc wearing crowd has come to expect. I was trying on the clog pair with the fur inside, and some mom said to her four year old daughter, "oh Alyssa, she's trying your shoes!". Little Alyssa was indeed wearing the same shoes, in the same color, that I had selected to try on. I then attempted a conversation about how my name was Alyssa too; noticed the Disney bag on the stoller, asked her if she saw Mickey. At some point the father questioned me - "Are you Alyssa Marie too??"
"How about Alyssa MEGAN?"


My name is so much cooler.

Tattle Tales

Scene: Boeing 757-200 (JNH, you're so jealous), Ft. Lauderdale to NYC, final descent

Announcement: Ladies and gentlemen, we have begun our final descent into the New York area. At this time, all seat backs and tray tables need to be brought to their full, upright, locked position. All portable electronic devices that you have been using must be turned off and stowed. Flight attendants will be in the aisle to collect any remaining service items that you wish to discard. (blah blah blah, you get the drift)

Flight attendants do their compliance check, etc.

Announcement: Flight attendants please be seated for arrival.

Ding - f/a call button, I answered it.

Passenger, with eyes lit up like Christmas, pointing: Um, aren't portable electronic devices supposed to be turned off? What about that guy with his noise cancelling head phones? Isn't that hazardous?

Me: What about me?! I was just told to be seated!!!

Turning

So I was good for a stretch of four days... abuse the first day, sat for two, and now I'm doing a FLL turn this afternoon. Woo.

When scheduling gave me the wake up call this morning, he asked for Ashley. I was like... how about Alyssa? He apologized and then gave me the trip information. I can't help but question the literary skills of schedulers. Its not like there aren't famous Alyssas (Alyssa Milano), or that my name is uncommon; in fact, its a pretty popular amoungst the 8 yr olds. Its also pronounced exactly how it looks: ah -LYS - ah. This harangue is starting to resemble my issues with the Serta sheep in that none of them have green eyes. But that's a different story for another day.

Finally, I went to church this morning and for the past few months the parish sign (you know, the kind with the moveable letters) has read "a family that prays together, stays together". This morning, however, it said this:

Lay Down Your Burden
Jesus, The Best Baggage Handler

I kind of liked it. It sure beats "Wal-Mart isn't the only place that saves". I've seen pictures floating around the net of curious things like "On your knees is the best position". I'm sure Jay Leno has a collection of them.

Are you being harassed at work?

What if your work IS harassment???

You guessed it, I have airport alert tomorrow morning at 7:30.

Damn.

I'm thinking if they don't use me then I'll just hang out up here for the weekend. Cause on Monday, I'm totally going to DisneyWorld!!!

Safety, not Comfy

I just finished a fairly intense four day trip and made it back to the crash pad at 8 pm. For a domestic trip, that's awesomely early! Slept for 11 hours last night, now I've been up for two. I've got today and tomorrow off and I'm desperately trying to muster up some motivation to either work out, shower, pack, or drive home. But I've got nothing. I'm exhausted and the only thing I really want to do is nap. I'm pretty sure I'm just going to grab my suitcase as it was packed for this past trip and haul it downstairs, throw it into my vehicle and just hit the TPK. Its Super Tuesday and I know if I don't leave now I'll never make it home in time to vote... or for dinner.

I found this article surfing the web and instead of blaming my exhaustion on pouring the cokes, I'm going to claim its worrying about your safety as a passenger.
Thank you, New York Times.

EWR, 757, TPK

I saw the COOLEST thing ever driving past the airport today. Under normal circumstances, airplanes land parallel to the turnpike. Its cool because they are landing and taking off next to you as you're cruising down the pike at 80 mph. However, today it was obsurdly windy on the field and the planes were landing PERPENDICULAR to the pike! I was coming over the turnpike bridge from the Jersey City area, facing the airport and a 757 was coming in for a landing, gear down and everything. Then it started to make a big turn towards the bridge, as though it was diverting. I continued over the bridge, turned onto the turnpike south and the next thing I knew a 757 was 30 feet above the turnpike and landed! Not something you see everyday, even in EWR, even as a flight attendant.

Its Not Easy Being Green

Now that I haven't been to work in almost five days, I'm kind of beginning to miss the airport.

My favorite part about Newark Liberty International Airport, aside from the electric cart drivers, is the large billboard that stares at you when you exit security through C-2. Its a snapshot of Kermit the Frog, looking all Kermy like, and the caption is "Eats Flies. Dates a Pig. Hollywood Star."... and I love it. Everyday without fail, it makes me smile. There's something so magical in his warm and gentle eyes. It makes me wish I really was Miss Piggy, which is something I haven't felt since I was four years old. Kermit the Frog is quite the catch, Miss Piggy. We should all be so lucky.

Oh Canada...

I must admit, the coolest part of my last trip was when I landed back in the States from YYZ. For those of you who are airport code-ly challenged, YYZ is Toronto. All Canadian airports begin with the letter Y (Why? I don't know). It was exciting because I had a bunch of messages from my various peeps - Ke, my college roomie, current roomie, and Mommy (sorry, assonance is fun in the am). It was nice to know that in 18 hours there was a heard of people just waiting to talk to me. And now that I've been home for two days, the damned thing hasn't rang once.

Perhaps Chivalry Is Dead

As a flight attendant, there very few opportunities when someone is actually willing to help me with my bags. My roller weighs a metric ton with all of my sundry beauty products, a blow dryer, snow boots - you know, in case they send me someplace chilly. A few weeks ago, I flew with a straight male load that offered to put my bag in the overhead bin for me, and I just looked at him dumbfounded and confused. Its just not behavior that I'm used to from strangers.

This morning I was getting into the shuttle and there was a gentleman, with dreads, getting on as well. He was neither flight attendant nor pilot; as I was beginning to put my stuff in the back, he offered a hand which I greatly accepted. As we were getting in the van, post thanks, this was the conversation:

me: Such chivalry in the morning!
him: Yeah, it sure is chilly.

Do you think he didn't hear me? Or that he was completely unaware as to what, exactly, chivalry is? Amusing none the less.

Crash Landing at Heathrow

This could have been a whole lot worse. Kudos to the flight attendants for doing their job as best as the situation permitted.

BA 777 Lands Short

Pictures of You

Next time you're on the MyFace, check out the pictures. I find it amusing that people in the airline industry have pictures of themselves at work - myself included (its cute, I'm in the overhead bin). I've seen shots of flight attendants standing in front of the aircraft, or sitting in the engines... making funny faces in the galley or playing with the emergency equipment. Pilots sitting in their respective chairs, or doing the walk around. I highly doubt there are stock traders out who's profile pics are of them on the trading floor, or suits standing literally on Wall Street, or teachers in front of their chalkboards. Garbage men on their trucks... or astronauts on the space station!

Well, now that's just showing off.



PS- This post was totally inspired by Mr. The Cricket. Cute pic by the way ;)

It Really IS Abuse

Of course I was assigned airport alert for last night, beginning at 9 pm. Surprisingly enough, there were a fair amount of flight attendants downstairs and we had a mini airport alert party which was fun. Until everyone else's four hours were up. I talked to my f/a bff for a good 45 minutes; that was exciting. That brought me to about 10:30. I talked to one of the girls from my training class, but she left at 11. Finally, I pulled out my computer and this is the part when I bitch about how horrible the internet is in the crew room. It's slower than dial up in 1997. I popped in a movie - Mystery Men, which is totally one of my all time faves. At midnight, the two international reserves got released. Like scheduling actually called them and said you may go home. When I talked to them they said no. I called back five minutes later because Ponce, our last flight of the day, had taken off and I was very polite and asked them if it had or not. They said I had to wait to be released by the actual domestic scheduler, which is crap because I know I've talked to that guy before. Whatever. But then they made me sit there for another 1/2 hour after everyone else had gone home and I was left with all the sleeping, creepy commuters who refuse to get crash pads. They finally called at 12:33 and I was released. I caught the free cab home and was in the door by one, in bed by 1:10 and didn't wake up til 11 this am. Moreover, I am not on the list for today; at least I got a free day off for my troubles at abuse.

Go Google Yourself

Out of shear boredom, I googled the phrase "flight attendant blog" to see what would come up. I was shocked and deeply hurt when my blog was not the first to come up. You can bet your bright eyes that I will be writing a strongly worded letter to the over paid folks at Google to correct this injustice. Anyway, this blog did come up and I'm jealous:

Melissa's Flight Attendant Blog

She's way cooler than me. I think I might be able to anti up once I start flying international. I can't compete on the FL turns and endless hours of airport alert... I just can't!

Shop til you Drop

One of my favorite parts about this job is the quality shopping. I rarely go shopping by myself when I'm home, with the exception of Target and ShopRite. But when I'm out on a trip, I simply love it. I know that all over the country we have the same stores - everyone has a Macy's, New York & Company, Express, Nine West, etc. There's just something about buying things elsewhere that thrills me. I get the coolest stuff not in Jersey and always hunting for a deal. My roommates are the queens of discount shopping and I have a lot to learn... I'm pretty sure I spent more on this last trip than it was worth! But I did find a gorgeous dress, new shoes for work, a sweater because supposedly its winter where I live, and a new book for $4! Now I'm off to shop with the roomie, the Yoda of shopping, then its home to PHL for shopping with the Sister and Mom. Shopping with Mom is the best - she buys you things! ;)