So Indecisive... And Fearful...

I just sent this email to my support team - my besties. It's self explanatory. I wasn't going to do something, I didn't thing I could. Oh but how I will!

Mo, J, Kris, and Bex

I had to have a very honest conversation with myself today. (As a result, I'm beginning to think that I do have quite the flare for the dramatic...). And here's what I got.

I have been debating this German issue in my brain since I thought to myself, "hey, maybe you don't even have to go at all."

Oh, but I do.

Let's be honest, I'm scared out of my mind, I haven't put in the work to have maintained the limited level I acquired TWO YEARS ago... but I sat down and asked myself what this nonsense-icalness is all about and here's what I got.

Where are you now? Have you accomplished your goals or made progress towards them to date? I successfully live alone, I keep getting "promoted" at work (whatever that really means), I feel fulfilled at work and here in New Jersey. Of course there are things I could be doing better - diet, exercise - but overall, I'd like to think I'm riding high and doing well, especially having made it through Christmas and February. And where I'm at in life, kissing 28 years old, is so wondrously gloriously divinely (Holler Jesus!) awesome, I have nothing but thanks. And in that gratitude, where can I go from here? What do I want in the big picture?

And whenever I ask that I just hear Belle singing "I want adventure in the great wide, somewhere. I want it more than I can tell."

As fun as the training center is, I know that means (that the above means) I need more. I'm longing, thirsting, for more. Sure, there are big kid career opportunities that would be fun to pursue when its time to be a real big kid, to be serious and for reals-eys. But those moving up the ladder jobs aren't going anywhere. I perform, I'm good, I enjoy it and for now, I'm satisfied at work.

There was a girl on International House Hunters, Paris. She loved all things Parisian, and just had to live there and be a part of their society. I know that feeling.

J was assigned Stuttgart today. And the overwhelming jealousy that ensued, that 'I want to go to Germany too' was a bit more bitter tasting than I'd like to admit.

SO ALYSSA, GO TO GERMANY. Silly girl. Go. Follow your heart.

And yes, I'd like to own a condo by the time I'm 30. Of course I'd like a fur coat and to get married someday, and own a fine piece of German automotive engineering... but that's for later. Maybe even a puppy (then again, maybe not... we all know I don't believe in vacuuming). BUT - This is the now. This is the time to be wild and 27 and responsibly irresponsible.

I'm going for the gold, chief. Why was I trying to put off this trip (I was thinking about Sept/Oct instead)? Because I won't be able to move on and date until this is over and done. Because I was mad I had to come back for the weekend to teach. That one silly weekend. I can get back and forth quite easily on the trains and planes. I'M ALSO A FLIGHT ATTENDANT. You can even climb the Inca Trail when you want to and have the desire and passion.

For all these reasons, this is why being single is pretty awesome. This is what's in my heart, and I would be denying myself if I didn't go and at least try. Learning German is not easy, but it is something that I am capable of doing, that I long to do and a goal I can accomplish. Over time. I have it, time that is, in my favor and I'm going for it.

I love how crazy I get about making these big decisions, and I can't believe I almost didn't go. I have no idea how I'm going to tell J. I'll probably be sneaky and forward this to her as well. Kristy didn't even know that I was considering not going. She's going to hit the floor when she finds out.

Above all, I just want to say thank you. I have been given nothing but love and support from the four of you, for my ridiculous shenanigans, back and forth, to-ing and fro-ing. May I always do the same for you.

Love Always,

Alyssa

Why???

Found at Exchange Place, NJ Transit Hudson Bergen light rail station in the JC...

Which means there's a small child running around with bare feet. Unacceptable. But more importantly, WHY???

Stars

I love this band.

Heidelberg Altstadt

Look What I Found!

Leaving this morning, ANA's 787. Pictures of actual German adventure to come.

Wir gehen nach Frankfurt!!!

Dreaming Big!

Guess what came to work today???!!!

Boeing's 787 Dreamliner.

SAY WHAT?!

The interior isn't quite as large as a 777, though the wingspan and engines are huge. It was everything I thought it'd be and more. And I can't wait til its *mine*!

'Blood' The Middle East

The latest jam I found. It's the song in the trailer for Jeff Who Lives At Home.

I think I'm in love.

NJTPK

I can't remember the first time I ever drove down the New Jersey Turnpike, as either driver or passenger. It's just been one of those staples in my life, like pot roast or sunscreen. I have so many memories about going up and down... like the day I drove to Newark for my flight attendant interview; the first time my mother and I drove to Rutgers, both to tour the campus and when I moved in freshman year; thinking that my "Voldemort" was the one when we drove to see the Statue of Liberty in August, 2001; driving with my sister to my grandmother's funeral; today, rocking out to Weezer. The New Jersey Turnpike is an epic part of the northeast, and has an illusive part in American pop culture along with other roads like route 66 or the 405.

When we were either sophomores or juniors at RU, my roommate with whom I also went to high school, came to my house on a hot August day, we loaded my crap into her car, and drove off to the turnpike and up to the banks of the old Raritan. I'd never felt more grown up or important or empowered cruising along at 70 mph (it was a bit of a Japanese jalopy, we all know the real speed limit is 80). It was one of those cheesy movie moments that make the open hearted weepy, complete with some Britney songs blaring, I'm sure. But that moment, and those other precious ones like holding my college boyfriend's hand and playing pidittle, or driving home knowing I was about to become a flight attendant for a legacy airline, that's what the turnpike's all about.

Credible Threats to Aviation: Stupidity

This is what happened yesterday in Philly.

I either read or heard elsewhere that the driver was trying to outrun the cops who were chasing him. Most likely because he was doing something stupid prior to do something really really stupid.