Auf Weidersehen

This past trip was probably the most ridiculous trip I've been on in this entire past year. Event after shananigan, it was just insanity and with each passing moment I got excited about the prospect of blogging and sharing it with you. And now that I'm here, I've decided that this isn't the literary direction for me.

I drafted my first short story since college, and it felt amazing. I have met two different types of flight attendants (and even pilots) - those who fly max hours with no lives outside of airplanes, and a whole nother breed of people who pour a few cokes/fly a few planes on the side. I'm done sharing my reality with all of you because I've got way better fictitious stories to tell. For those of you who mean the world to me, and you know who you are, frett not. My cell phone is still fully functional, even after dropping it twice today.

So long, farewell, auf weidersehen, good night.
Good night.

Happy Anniversary!

As of today's MCO turn, I have been online for exactly one year. Happy Anniversary to me! And thanks to our union, I'm guarenteed a raise - very exciting. AND... I got my transfer! As of next bid month, I will be an international flight attendant! UK here I come, over and over and over til I've spent more time in Londontown than Township.

Who's excited??? I AM!!!

Adventures in Scheduling

Yesterday, I woke up and decided that scheduling was not going to control my life. I was on page two so I checked movie times, picked Be Kind Rewind which was only playing in New Brunswick, hopped in my car and drove off into what should have (oh those are so the key words in this sentence) been a lovely day. WRONG.

I get down to Brunswick and I'm literally there for 15 minutes before screw scheduling calls. I have an IAH turn on the 777, working A zone galley down and deadheading back, with exactly two hours to get to the airport. The only minor exciting part about any of this is my BFF was working the flight back to EWR. Now that I had my sob story about how much scheduling sucked I peddled it to anyone who would listen. And no one cared until I got on the plane and talked to the other flight attendants - all nine of us were quick called and had similar sob stories. At least mine did not involve a haircut.

A zone galley on the 777 is rather intense - I had to feed 30 people. It wasn't international service by any means but my two aisle people were international flight attendants so I felt like they were kicking my ass. I did the best I could and I rocked it for the most part. I really liked the position and I'm not so intimidated anymore. I better not be considering I'm transferring to international! My only issue is that I feel too short; I couldn't reach the glasses that were in the top atlas carriers and that just spells concussion. I liked being in the galley because I had little to no customer interaction and that makes me a happy camper.

Oh the Glamour!

I had airport alert tonight from five to nine.

Nothing happened.

I'm already mentally gearing up for some abuse tomorrow night.

Fan Mail

Lately a lot of inquiring minds want to know more about the job. I found this slight exageration of what life is like as a flight attendant. Comical? Yes; but in that its-funny-cause-its-true kind of way.


So you want to be a flight attendant?

Go to a resale store and find an old, navy suit that an army sergeant might have worn. Add a white shirt and a tie. Wear that same outfit for three consecutive days.

Go to an airport and watch airplanes take off for several hours. Pretend you are standing by for them and they are all full. Go home. Return to the airport the very next day and do the same thing again.

Fill several large boxes with rocks. Lift them over your head and place them on the top shelf of a closet. Slam the door shut until the boxes fit. Do this until you feel a disc slip in your back. Turn on a radio. Be sure to set it between stations so there is plenty of static. Turn on the vaccuum cleaner and garbage disposal. Run them all night.

Remove the covers from several T.V entrees. Place them in a hot oven. Leave the food in the oven until it's completely dried out. Remove the hot trays with your bare hands. Serve to your family. Don't include anything for yourself. Serve your family a beverage one hour after they've received their meal. Make them remain in their seats during this time. Ask them to scream at you and complain about the service. Scrounge uneaten rolls off the plates for you to eat 6 hours later when you're really hungry.

Place a straight-backed chair in a closet facing a blank wall. Use a belt to strap yourself into it. Eat the rolls you saved from your family's meal. Ask your family to use the bathroom as frequently as possible. Tell them to remove their shoes and socks before entering, and see who can make the most disgusting mess. Clean the bathroom every hour throughout the night.Make a narrow aisle between several dining room chairs and randomly scatter your husband's runners and loafers along the way. Turn off the lights and spend the night walking up and down the aisle while banging your shins against the chair legs and tripping over the shoes. Drink several cups of cold coffee to keep yourself awake.Gently wake your family in the morning and serve them a muffin in a package. Don't forget to smile and wish them a nice day when they leave for work and school.

After the family leaves, take a suitcase and go out into the yard. If it's not raining, turn on the sprinkler system and stand in the cold for 30 minutes pretending like your waiting for the crew bus topick you up. Then go inside and wait by your bedroom door for another 30 minutes for an imaginary maid to make up your room. Change into street clothes and shop for 5 hours. Pick up carry-outfood from a local deli. Go back home. Sit on your bed and eat your meal. Set your alarm clock for 03:00 am so you'll be ready incase you don't get your wake up call. Repeat the above schedule for three days in a row and you'll be ready to work your first international flight.

Newark Scheduling, This is Jane

Yesterday I sat airport ARREST in terminal a. There was an incident about trying to pick up a trip for today, as the only thing available were turns. Last night, I went out with my industry friends and my goal was to drink til I didn't hate scheduling anymore. I was partially successful until I logged in at 2:40 am to find I had airport alert AGAIN tonight at 7:30, which just pisses me off because of the transportation issue (translation: I'll be driving myself to work tonight, like a big kid). I refused to acknowledge said assignment, I just logged off knowing full well someone was going to call me this morning.

And they did, at ten.

Jane: Hi, may I speak with flight attendant Alyssa?

me: (dammit they know my name!)... This is her.

Jane: Well it seems you must like airport alert a lot because you have that assignment tonight at 1930.

me: Its just special isn't it?

Jane: oh hahaha hahaha ha.

me: (that was not a joke) Thank you for the call.

Jane: Have a great day!

me: (FUCK OFF YOU SCHEDULING BASTARDS WHO GET OFF BY HARASSING ME)




If I didn't laugh, I'd cry. Oh, and Jane's not her real name but yous guys know exactly who I'm talking about! Moreoever, rumor has it that they can only assign you airport alert four times in a bid period. We'll see about that.

DYFS

Here in the state of New Jersey, we have the Department of Youth and Family Services, aka DYFS, and they handle child abuse and those sorts of things. I frequently tell my mother that I am going to report her to said authority; she usually hands me the phone. Now that I have airport arrest AGAIN tomorrow afternoon (in terminal A!), I'm wondering if I can threaten scheduling the same way...

4 Day worth 27 hours???

This month, I have all weekends off. So far, I'm not impressed. As you are all aware, I sat abuse Monday and was called for a two day. When I blocked in, they had already assigned me airport alert for Wednesday at 11 am. I bought a new book, The Witch of Portabello, and ran into a few of my friends in the crew room. The job is definitely more exciting now that I know people. After I had been there for a whopping 45 minutes, the phone starting ringing off the hook! Two people were called for an Orlando turn; and then I was called for an Orlando turn. It was on the 757-300, or what us flight attendants like to refer to as "the slave ship". Going there was amazing! It wasn't completely full and this was the happy yay-we're-going-on-vacation-to-see-Mickey crowd. Coming back was a different story. Air traffic control delay, but we were still going to make it on time. That crowd was a little less understanding, to say the least. I was excited because I got to go play in first class and be aisle; I'm practicing for international (looks like I should get my transfer for either April or May!). I also had a great crew, which always makes any turn far less painful. When I blocked in, they released me to crew rest, I went home, and vegged out. Before I went to bed, I wanted to see my place on the list. I, however, was not on the list because I had been assigned an Atlanta turn! The same one I did Tuesday as part of that two day! Arg! I know one of the other flight attendants, and I've flown with the first officer a few times, so it should be reasonably okay. AND there were a lot of hottie business men coming back last time.

I've been working straight since Monday, and after this turn tonight I will have racked up 27 hours! That is just insanity! And way too much flying. I sure as hell hope they give me a rest tomorrow, thereby giving me a three day weekend!

Literary Genius

I’m taking each step in stride
desperately asking the whispering voice
to speak up inside.
Where it will take me,
I do not know;
but the fear of missing out
wills me to go.
Further and deeper
the trust for myself grows.
Jumping off a precipice
I’m not looking down.
There are no stars
upon which to wish.
Mere faith inside
I realize,
I step out into my own.
I am almost grown.

Just Another Manic Monday

Yesterday we celebrated my father's birthday. My mother kicked me out of the house at 7 (I barely had enough time to finish my cake!) and I was back in my crash pad by 8:30. Scheduling called at 8:37 to tell me that I had effing airport abuse at 5:15 am. Gotta love that screw scheduling, when they give you the polite guess-how-we're-shafting-you-before-nine-pm warning phone call. I think I love it even more when they wake me up at 1:15 claiming that I have an assignment that I never acknowledged... airport alert at 5:15 you say? Well we already went over this. I understood exactly where you told me to shove it the first time when I was coherent at 8:37 pm, thank you.

So I woke up at 3 to take the first shuttle at 4 to the airport. It was a nightmare and a half trying to get ready in my crash pad, but that's a different story for another time. I wondered down to the crew room and was checked in and sound asleep by 4:45. Needless to say when the phone rang at 6:40 with a two day for me, I was looking a hot mess! I didn't even know my hair could look that bad... I took a few minutes (could have used 45 of them), pulled it together, and went to Dunkin Donuts. I rarely see anyone I know in the airport; but not today! At least I only had one leg down to West Palm and the loads were light. Lord only knows what tomorrow holds.


I feel like I can't complain too much because for the first time in the YEAR that I've been flying, I have every weekend off this month. We'll see how I like having a pretend 9-5 and normal days off.

Thank You!

Now that my vacation is coming to an end, I would like to take this opportunity to say thank you to all the people who made my month of February fantastic! I couldn't have done any of this without all of you, like party it up at Disney, get hammered at the Rock, or spend hours shopping for the best deals in the country. You guys have made my time at work, on vacation, and around the bay that much better and I just wanted to say thank you. You're the best :)